Soft

“I can’t wait to see you, Bunny.”

A wave of panic rose over him, like the adrenaline rush at the crest of a rollercoaster. He read the text message again, then a third time, hoping doing so would somehow ease his worries. He cared for her so much, and she’d finally invited him to stay the night, yet he couldn’t stop thinking in worst-case scenarios.

She was waiting for him when he stepped off the tram.

“Hi, Bunny!”

She ran over and kissed him.

“I wish you wouldn’t call me that, it’s so cringey.”

He said that, but deep down he liked his pet name.

Bunny walked by her side. His eyebrows were raised high causing the stress lines in his forehead to protrude. She slipped her hand into his.

“Your hands are clammy. What’s up?”

He shook his head.

“You know how I get, Fa…”

He almost called her Fate. It was a single letter from her actual name. He’d never said the pet name he’d given her out loud.

She squeezed a little tighter.

“We’ve been seeing each other for a while now. You’re safe with me, I promise.”

He’d told Fate about his issues, and how difficult it was for him to be away from his home. Yet he hadn’t told her everything, and the closer they walked towards her home the more the panic rose within him.

Fate noticed Bunny’s lips moving slightly.

“Did you say something?”

“…no. Sorry, I was just thinking.”

Bunny trusted her. Yet he still felt it would have been embarrassing to admit he was repeating positive reassurances to try to keep himself calm.

He looked at her through the side of his eye.

She was beautiful.

Not only that but she was kind, funny, and brought the best out in him. He was seen as quite serious, often described as moody, but her joyful spirit made him smile. He felt he could let his guard down with her. It wasn’t love, not yet, but it was close.

Her hair was long now, way past her shoulders, but it had been short when they’d met. Fate had been looking at Joy Division albums in H.M.V. when Bunny saw her from over in the Heavy Metal section. Her bag was made from two old vinyl records and some cloth, which she’d made herself. He hadn’t asked a stranger for their number since he was fifteen, yet he was compelled to when he saw Fate.

Fate opened the door to her house and walked in, flicking off her pumps. She started to walk towards the living room and then paused.

She turned towards Bunny and looked puzzled.

“Why are you still standing at the door?”

“…you didn’t invite me in?”

Fate laughed. Bunny might have felt offended, but her chuckles were so warm he knew there wasn’t one iota of malice within them.

“It’s a given, Bunny.”

He nodded and walked in, standing in the immediate entrance, and not moving. Fate sighed with a smile on her face and rolled her eyes.

“Will you just come in?”

She moved behind him and began to push. He managed to get his shoes off before she’d shoved him through the door to her front room. She frogmarched him in front of the couch and pushed him into the seat.

“I’m not even going to ask if you want a drink, because you’ll say no. I’m just going to get you one. It’s okay, you don’t have to be polite, it’s not as if my parents are home.”

He looked around her front room from his position on the couch. Over in the far corner was an old upright piano. Fate came back into the room with two glasses of water.

“I didn’t know you played?”

Fate went quiet for a few seconds before responding.

“I don’t… I mean, I do play it. I just don’t play in front of people. My grandmother taught me. She’s the only person who has ever heard me play.”

He smiled. He wanted to ask more, but her response told him it wasn’t a comfortable subject. She placed the two glasses onto the coffee table, slipping a coaster under each. Then she moved over to the piano and opened the lid.

“I’d like to play for you, Bunny.”

He stood and walked over to her.

“You don’t have to if…”

“I want to.”

He smiled. He wanted to say something about how much of honour it felt, or to thank her in some way. But he was still incredibly anxious, and his brain couldn’t create a sentence that felt right. Words were a clumsy jumble within his mind, impossible to organise.

She began to play and for the next few minutes he forgot all about his issues. He stood behind her and watched her fingers dance over the keys. Every now and again he would close his eyes for a few seconds, letting the mellifluous sounds wash over him.

Then she stopped. She replaced the lid and turned to him from the stool.

“…Thank you for listening.”

He wanted to say it was him who should be thanking her, but again he couldn’t get the words out. Instead he leaned over and kissed her. They moved towards the couch, their lips parting only for brief moments to avoid any collisions. She lay with her back against the cushions, wrapping her legs around him. He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her neck.

“Bunny, do you want to go upstairs?”

Like a strike of lightning the panic hit.

He’d been in the moment, out of his own head and filled with passion. Yet that single sentence killed his confidence instantly. He didn’t want to say no, yet he couldn’t say yes, layers of fear piling on top of each other as he tried to find a reasonable excuse.

“I… not just yet. Let’s hang out for a little bit first. We’ve got all night, so there’s no rush. I think I still need a little bit of time to settle in and get comfortable.”

She nodded and smiled with understanding, but he felt disappointment radiate from her. She kissed him again and got up from the couch, grabbing the remote and turning the television on.

They nuzzled up together on the couch while watching a film.

“I feel really comfortable with you, Bunny.”

He wanted to say he felt the same and, in many ways, he did. He felt more comfortable being with Fate then he had with anyone before. Yet, his mind was still conjuring full catastrophe outcomes for the inevitable conclusion of the evening.

The credits for the film eventually began to scroll on the television screen. He looked at Fate, her eyes were hazy.

“I think I’m ready for bed, Bunny.”

He felt the fear once again rise within him.

They headed, hand in hand, towards her bedroom. She undressed in front of him and slipped on her nighty. He remained fully clothed. Fate raised an eyebrow.

“Are you really going to sleep in your jeans?”

With defeat he nodded.

He lay on his back while she straddled him. Kissing her made him feel so much happiness, yet still he remained inside his own head. He criticised himself for not being able to lose himself with a woman so beautiful, the worry piling higher and higher. His motions were all correct, he kissed with passion, he ran his hands up from her waist and cupped her breasts.

Yet he knew it would go no further.

Any time Fate tried to work her hands down to unbutton his jeans, he would move them back up towards his chest. This was done with as much tact as possible, but the obviousness was difficult to hide.

After a while, Fate rolled off.

“Well… I guess we’ll go to sleep now.”

She rotated to face away from him, and he spooned her. After a short time, she began to snore in a gentle melody. Even her sleep was filled with music.

He lay there the entire night. His eyes were closed but slept never took him. His mind continued to be filled with catastrophic thoughts.

Would he ever be able to make this work?

Would he ever be happy?

Would he ever be able to be the man that Fate deserved?

What if he never got comfortable enough around her?

How long would it be before he couldn’t hide it any longer?

Would she leave if he told her the truth?

It was fine when he was alone, when he wasn’t anxious, why couldn’t it have been fine just this one time?

Was it fair for him to have her affections when she could have so much more?

The more the hours passed the more panic ebbed, slowly replaced with the heavy weight of melancholy.

He felt the sun against his eyelids and heard the morning song of the birds.

He rose from the bed and Fate stirred slightly. He leaned over and kissed her forehead. She smiled, yet never woke.

He creeped out of the front door and back towards the tram stop.

Sat on the tram he pulled out his phone and began to type.

“I really like you, but I’m just not looking for a relationship right now. I should have said something last night, but that’s why I was acting distant. I’m sorry if I’ve led you on, Fate.”

It would be the first thing she would see half an hour later when she woke.

She thought the last word was a typo.